last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
