My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
