If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
