i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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