I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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