No stitches, just platelets and will power
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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