Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
