If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
