I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
