seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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