Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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