There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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