last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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