I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
