my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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