a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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