you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
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No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
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People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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