if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
