never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
