Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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