Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
