a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
