I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
