I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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