3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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