Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
