my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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