Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
