You're my little dorito
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
