from now on my penis is your penis
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
