He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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