Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
