mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
this is an emotional support booty call
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
