i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
