Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
