My liver just broke up with me...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
