my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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