I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.