I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?