I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
