Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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