I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
