i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
