I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
