So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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