I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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