my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
