His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
