This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
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