Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
