and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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