I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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