OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
it was like having sex with a tree stump
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
