I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
