he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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