mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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